Snow Day

Day 14:

Faculty, Staff and Students:

It is 10:45 p.m. on Thursday, February 7, 2013.

The following information pertains to ALL UConn campuses.

Due to inclement weather, all UConn classes are canceled on Friday, February 8. Classes will resume Monday morning, February 11, as scheduled.

There was more but I stopped reading there. It was official. Class was canceled. Even "classes will resume Monday morning" seemed like wishful thinking on their part. Maybe there wouldn't be class on Monday either. Maybe school was canceled forever!

In a moment, I was transformed into a 10 year old boy,jumping out of my seat and screaming "Woo hoo! Snow Day!" I spiked my book on the floor and went tearing up the stairs, whooping and banging on the walls.

I burst into Warren's room, panting, wild eyed, and eager. The look he gave me instantly reminded me that I was a grown-up. "What are you doing?", it said. "What is WRONG with you?"

"Snow Day", I mumbled, the words tumbling out of my mouth like an apology, muddy with regret.

That didn't last long.

I tore down the stairs, skipping the last few, whisper-yelling "Snow Day! Snow Day!" over and over. I took off my pants and waved them over my head like a victory flag. I could stay up as late as I wanted! I could DO whatever I wanted! I WAS FREE! FREEEEE! And I was going to make the most of it.

My pants fell to to floor, forgotten.

Ten minutes later, as I struggled with my Statistics homework (my super awesome and Xtreme!!1!11! Statistics homework!) There was a knock at the door. My pants, a vanquished totem, were across the room by the fireplace. I could answer the door or I could get my pants. I did not have time to do both.

Warren answer the door just as my hands worked the zipper closed. Words were exchanged but I couldn't make out the conversation. I looked out the window and, though the snow was making it difficult to see, I thought I spied a car across the street wedged in a snow bank.

A few minutes later, Warren opened the door all the way. A woman came in covered head to toe in snow. Apparently, she'd ran out of gas right in front of the house, but not before she buried herself in a snowbank. She shivered sitting on the last few steps of the staircase, the snow melting into a puddle at her feet.

She didn't have triple A, and,even though both Warren and I did it didn't matter. Every single local AAA participant was closed. AAA informed us that the nearest person wouldn't arrive for several hours. The woman excused herself and went outside to stand by her car and smoke a cigarette.

I wondered. I wondered but didn't ask, "Why on Earth would she venture out in this weather?"

Apparently, they don't watch the news where she's from. Or talk to other humans who watch the news. Or look outside. Or practice good judgement.

The fact that she was wearing snow pants leads me to believe that she may have seen this coming.

Her exact words were, "I'm from Canada. I thought I could handle it."

There was more to unpack in that statement than I cared to deal with. It was late. And she, the cause of my re-pantsing, was, therefore, my enemy.

By 1:30 AM, the plows had twice done the job of completely burying her SUV. At this point, she was out of her jacket and shoes, seated in the living room and sipping tea - tea, which she requested with "...two tablespoons of honey... OR sugar... or nothing" and then laughed her malfunctioning garbage disposal laugh.

She smelled like smoke. She cussed a bunch. She pretended to know what The Chronicles of Riddick was about. And her laugh made her sound like she was gagging on a toilet brush.

Also there was still the re-pantsing for which I still held her completely responsible.

My statistics homework was done, and I was fading fast. Warren offered to stay up while I rested. I was asleep in no time.

I woke up to the sound of her complaining about the coffee Warren had made. I got out of bed and made my way downstairs. By then, Warren was out snowblowing the driveway. She heard my footsteps and gave me an enthusiastic "Good Morning!" in a gritty siing-song voice before I'd even turned the corner. I wasn't in the mood to talk, but she was.

Unpromted, she admitted that going out into the blizzard was "..not smart, especially 'cause I was impaired!" She paused for a second, and then, "Well it was only the ONE drink... but it was a GOOD one."

She laughed nervously. I did not.

Other classic one-liners (all followed by nervous laughter):

"Maybe I would't have run out of gas if I wasn't blowing donuts in the Stop and Stop parking laugh." 

"I've had five car accidents since 2000."

"I think the dog knows about the nerve damage in my legs."

"This blanket just wanted enough! I was about to steal your dog!" [note: She was sleeping on the couch directly in front of the fireplace, covered in a thick blanket] I was twice as far as she was, without a blanket, and I was sweating]

"I may doze off. I just took a bunch of my 'Don't-Kill-My-Boyfriend' pills. [pause] Can you put on Animal Planet? I just LOVE puppies."

It was about noon when I changed the channel to "Animal Planet". 5 minutes after this, she passed out. So far as I could tell, she's was breathing.

She woke up three times; Once to use the bathroom (I think) and once more after that to eat the last brownie. After eating the last brownie, she seemed to fall asleep again. Then, 10 minutes later, she suddenly sat up and declared, "I LOVE ALL LIVING CREATURES!" before looking around, confused, and then falling asleep again.

I debated driving her home.

Throughout the day she spoke freely about her relationships past and present, playing familiar, fast and loose with context as if I already knew the details. Her story changed repeatedly:

She ran out of gas because she got lost, visiting a friend.

She ran out of gas because there's a hole in her gas tank and it only holds one gallon. She was dropping off her ex-boyfriend and he'd invited her in for a drink. One drink. She only had the one.

And so on.

We'd called the police but, unless it was a medical emergency, nothing was happening.

Eventually, her boyfriend/ex-boyfriend/brother called to say he was on his way. When she announced this, I cheered. Loudly.

By 5PM she was gone. A police officer had finally showed up and ticketed her, due to the parking ban. Within minutes of that, her boyfriend/ex-boyfriend/15-year long fiance showed up to gas her up and pull her out of the snowbank. To my complete and utter shock and surprise, he was dressed in full camo.

She and her gentlemen friend spent the entire time arguing. I shoveled the driveway and watched as he struggled to her out, shouting and demanding things. He eventually managed (barely) as the police officer looked on from his cruiser, lights flashing.

She waved and shouted "THAAANK YOOOU!", before hoping into her car and driving off.

The minute she was completely out of sight, I finished off the driveway. Then I went inside, and took off my pants.

Finally.