Confidence Game

Day 19-26: Things are getting... weird. And by that I mean the last week has been a struggle in a surprising sort of way.

That is to say things have been going well. And it's making me super uncomfortable.

The more good news I get, the more nervous I get. I keep waiting for something to happen, some sort of tragedy or run of bad luck that'll throw me off my game. I keep waiting to screw something up.

What if I get sick? Like "Lifetime Original" or "Memorial Fund" sick?

What if my car breaks down? Or it gets wrecked an accident?

What if I forget something important? What if there's something I forget to write down or schedule or show up for?

I check and double-check. I study and review and over-analyze. Even though every looks fine. Even though everything is okey-dokey.

It's a confidence thing. Mostly. And, most days, I'm ok.

It's a constant struggle adjusting to the course workload and accompanying expectations. In the "real world" the work can be as difficult if not more so, but, more often than not, the focus is more specific. In the "real word", one rarely has to bound between 4-5 different very focused disciplines 18+ hours at a time each day (even though working professionals would swear the opposite is true). In the "real world", one doesn't have to get up and walk a quarter mile every 90 minutes.

And, in the "real world", there's almost no such thing as homework.

I'm doing well. But it's a struggle to relax and just plain enjoy the learning process. I'm feeling more capable as I become better acclimated, but it's still... taxing. Maybe things will be better after midterms. Maybe with a semester under my belt, I'll have gained a bit more confidence.

This feels like the beginnings of a burn out - a PG-13 mild and almost entirely harmless burnout, but a burnout nonetheless.

Spring break should take care of that.

*fingers crossed*

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

On a completely different note, I had the good fortune to be a featured storyteller at an event called "The MOuTH at The Mark Twain House" in Hartford, CT this past weekend. It was delightful. Also there was vodka.

This was the first of several planned “The MOuTH” events at the Mark Twain House and Museum Auditorium. For the inaugural storytelling event, the story theme was "love".

So I told a love story. A real one.

If you're interested in hearing my story, feel free to click the photo for a link to the audio:

D. Brathwaite - The Mark Twain House - February 22, 2013