When you are kicked beneath the table for a third time as you study on the Quiet Floor, you may feel the need to respond. However, before you engage your more-likely-than-not-accidental-offender, there are a number of things you must carefully consider. For your benefit (and mine), I have compiled the most pertinent of these considerations into a list:
1. Do not address someone beginning in the middle of a thought. "I figured you must not have felt anything" does not compute and will, at best, earn you a prolonged blank stare.
2. Be aware that remaining completely silent for long periods of time while on Adderall causes one to accumulate "Enthusiasm Debt". That is, the longer one is silent, the more robust one is likely to be when the silence is finally broken. Additionally, note that this increase in volume in no way correlates with improved communication. Thus, "I FIGURED YOU MUST NOT HAVE FELT ANYTHING" is not only completely unclear but frightening as well.
3. Stretching is important. Do so for about 2-3 minutes once an hour to ensure good blood flow and limit discomfort such as cramping, muscle soreness, and involuntary spasms. "I FIGURED YOU MUST NOT HAVE FELT ANYTHING" while flailing about is not only entirely unclear, it very nearly constitutes a threat.
4. Resist the urge to leave immediately. In your haste, you will likely forget nearly all of your things. Returning to get them will be doubly embarrassing, as the entire floor favors you with either smoldering glares or tepid sympathy.
5. Do not apologize. Most certainly, do not attempt to apologize to everyone. None of them will understand and, besides, you'll likely still be falling victim to the occasional spasm.
6. Avoid confrontation. If a gentleman approaches you requesting that you keep it down, do not attempt to explain yourself. Your bout with the aforementioned spastic overabundance of enthusiasm will likely not have abated. Moreover, the gentleman will only "Shh!" you, inspiring a great many others to do the same.
7. Do not "Shh!" them back. Not only does this defeat the purpose of their "Shh!", it distracts you from the return of foot beneath the desk that touched off this unfortunate series of events to begin with. Instead, nod quietly and continue gathering your belongings, lest you risk being stepped on a fourth time.
8. Having been stepped on a fourth time, do no slam both hands upon the desk in frustration. The sound will be loud enough to frighten everyone, including you. Moreover, it will cause the loose confederation of enemies you've built to coalesce into a unified and highly motivated mob. Others will come from other parts of the Quiet Floor to investigate the ruckus and immediately align themselves against you.
9. Flee. Flee with great haste. There will be plenty of time to zip your bookbag shut on the elevator. Do not look behind you. They are coming. And they are greatly displeased.
10. Take the stairs. The elevator is a death trap. They'll only pile in right along with you and God only knows what horrors they have in store for you in recompence for your offenses. If possible, skip stairs. Keep in mind, you have the back of an 80 year old man and your bookbag has yet to be zipped closed. Nevertheless, continue to descend the stairs at lunatic speed - the frothing hoard of your enemies will, no doubt, be nearly upon you.
11. Leave everything. Save yourself. The spilled contents of your bag are all replaceable. Take no heed to the panicked squawks of childish fear instigated by your collision with the smallish mole of a woman descending the stairs. It is you they are after, not her. Flee as if your very life depends on it. In this instance, you may consider your confused yelp as a properly issued apology
12. Recover from your fall as quickly as you are able. In all likelihood, your back with now be spasming painfully. Compose a succinct apology and pray for sympathy. Regret never having been to Dublin. Make a mental note to investigate that strange deviation of thought at so critical a juncture. Return your thoughts to the mob. Farting at this stage is normal. You are frightened. Indeed, your life is in grave danger! Fart proudly.
13. Take careful notice of the absolute lack of a mob in hot pursuit. Puzzle over this, but only momentarily. Apologize to the mole-woman but do not bow at the waist while doing so. When she calls you an "asshole", do not exclaim, "I'M SORRY BUT... (PANTING) (HARD SWALLOW) I THOUGHT THEY WERE AFTER ME." This will only increase her anxiety and further add to her assurance that you are completely insane.
14. Ascend the stairs. Collect your things. Zip your bookbag. You may notice at this point that you have somehow injured your inner thigh. Do not reach into your pants to feel the wound. Others are on the stairs as well, and they will most certainly not understand. Don't bother apologizing for grimaces and moans as these cannot be help.
15. Avoid returning the to elevator for, when it opens, the "Shh!" fellow will most certainly be inside. He will be nonetheless displeased with you and will tell you so. He may also threaten to notify security. Ignore this. Do not say "FUCK YOU." It will only agitate him further, and you've no place to run this time.
16. Explode from the elevator like a shot. Hurl yourself into the exit doors and sprint toward your vehicle. In the event that you run out of breath within the first 8 steps of your flight to freedom, do your best to be as inconspicuous as you're able as you fall to your knees, clutching your chest and wheezing loudly.
17. Do not tell the kindly old man who asks how you are that you are dying. Remember: You are still yelling and he will take your pronouncement VERY seriously. He will no doubt glare at you once you've explained yourself. Embarrassment at this stage is to be expected. Endure this and continue toward your vehicle.
18. Having finally made it to the relative safety of your vehicle's interior, you will, no doubt, realize that you've left a few things behind in the library. Please know that these are things you can certainly live without. Do not return to the library to learn this the hard way. The "Shh!" Gentleman is still looking for you. And he now has your things.
19. Having survived the return to the library enduring only a stern warning from a rather handsome security guard and the frigid impotent gaze of GentlemanSHH!, be sure to remember that, when last you were in the car, you left the volume of your car radio at maximum. Forgetting this will only ensure that you frighten yourself a second time, touching off a fit of endless hysterical laughter.
20. Do not make eye contact with the woman exiting the car beside you. It will be awkward. You will be unable to cease your ridiculous laughter. And she will not look away for quite some time.
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