Caught Alive

One, two, three, four, five,

I caught a fish alive,

Six, seven, eight, nine, ten,

I let it go again.

Why did you let it go?

Because it bit my finger so.

Which finger did it bite?

This little finger on my right.

I've taken on a lot. I am schooling. And working. And very short on time of all kinds. I'm tired. I'm low on confidence. And I'm broke as hell. 

And I'm only halfway done. 

Today, I finished the last of my midterm exams. Of my four classes, two had midterms that happened 'midterm', and the other two have two midterms that happen 1/3 and 2/3 of the way through the term respectively. I walked out of my last midterm exhausted and wandered a little, momentarily forgetful that I had another class in 15 minutes. Eventually, I found myself on a bench outside the building where my next class would be. I sat and watched the leaves fall, and tried to think of very little. 

This semester, school has brought with it the unexpectedly consequence of loneliness - deep, soul-crushing, nigh impenetrable loneliness. I am more or less constantly studying or working and, as such, haven't had much time to socialize. Parallel to that, I haven't been invited out much. Whereas last Spring, I constantly had to turn people down and remind them that I had to study, this Fall they're just not calling. It's a strange sort of feeling - on the one hand, I understand and appreciate it, yet on the other, I would much prefer to have to turn folk down. At least then, I'd know that I was being thought of and wanted. 

At times, I feel like every little thing I have to complain about can be reduced to an unimportant childish whine. It's borderline pretense. Or conceit. There are people that have it much harder than this. MUCH harder, even. I should just suck it up and do stuff. Also things. 

I had a dream that Ellen DeGeneres and I hung out and played video games. She told me to relax. Aside from the fact that she was who she was, the whole thing was pretty mundane. And it was nice that way. And sad. Sad that, instead of dreaming of hanging out with my actual friends, I have to imagine hanging out with an imaginary friend. And, even though I have no reason to believe that Ellen isn't a real person, I have no reason to believe that she IS a real person, having never actually met her. I'm pretty sure I'm about as real to her as she is to me, and yet I'm the one having dreams about video games. And brownies - there were delicious brownies too, as I recall. We were playing God of War 3 or something like that. It's not important. She's not real and neither am I. 

This is what I've been reduced to. I find myself in the position of needing to get out more and do more stuff, but not having much time to do so or anyone to do stuff with when I DO have time. Also I want a cheeseburger real bad. 

Also I think the midterms fried my brain. That would explain the smell. And the overly loud Bob Dylan music:

Once upon a time you dressed so fine 

You threw the bums a dime in your prime, didn't you? 

People'd call, say, "Beware doll, you're bound to fall" 

You thought they were all kiddin' you 

You used to laugh about 

Everybody that was hangin' out 

Now you don't talk so loud 

Now you don't seem so proud 

About having to be scrounging for your next meal. 

How does it feel 

How does it feel 

To be without a home 

Like a complete unknown 

Like a rolling stone?