Day 45: I sat in my car for a few minutes, enjoying the luxury of a few extra minutes of heat before killing the engine. Tucking my keys into my jacket pocked, I grabbed my bag and started to climb out of my car.
And I mean climb.
My back was an unyielding slab of painful twitching muscle. After one failed attempt, I set my bag on the ground, swung both legs out of the car, and tried again to stand, this time using the car door for leverage. As I stood, I made that groaning sound that old men with bad backs make. Unconsciously, my left hand stole beneath my shirt and rubbed at a spot at the base of my spine. A young man with carefully tossed brown hair, walked by. He made eye contact for just a second before casting his eyes to the ground.
I had made that groaning sound again. I'm sure that's what spooked him.
The sun hangs in a different place in the sky now that it's Spring, and I'd driven with it's light in my eyes all the way to campus. In the relatively dim light of the parking garage, I stretched out my arms, crucified on an invisible cross, groaning one last time before reaching down to grab my bag and heading for the door.
The woman behind the desk at the library smiled as she always does, and I smiled back, wondering as I always do if she could hear the music playing from my headphones - Rent-A-Cop by Ben Folds. As if on cue, a security guard rounded the corner and joined her behind the desk. He said something that made her smile again but I missed what it was. I was too busy enjoying the coincidence.
This is the 45th time I've done this. It's a strange sort of feeling to look back and see how far I've progressed already, and simultaneously feel as if this all just started. There are about 5 weeks left before Finals, but, so far as I'm concerned, this may as well be the end of my first week. . I'm nervous. I'm ok. I'm sweating a little. And I'm getting used to it.
Parallel to that, the kids (students [classmates]) are getting used to me. And I'm getting used to them. When they're not buried in their cellphones or hiding behind their headphones, we talk. And, sometimes, they have interesting things to say. I wouldn't say that I've made any friends (which is a topic for another post), but I'm certainly feeling much more comfortable talking with them.
I've gotten used to the repetitive studying and testing. Quizzes and exams don't scare me Not understanding something does. I can (and, in the past, have) easily pass exams by holding on to things just long enough to get it down on paper for the sake of a necessary demonstration of knowledge, but, this time, that's not very important to me. Sure, I'd love A's and B's but, this go around, I really want to learn something useful about the things that I care about. It's corny and idealistic but it's entirely true.
Given that, my midterms went off without a hitch and all indications are that I'm doing "well" - by which I mean all indications are decidedly vague, and that "well" is a frustratingly relative term. I'm still getting used to that.
And I still struggle with confidence. Things still move a little faster than I feel I can keep up with and everything is still just a bit confusing - I feel more like I'm being pulled than dragged, but *shrug* I'm still here. And, so far, there have been no major disasters.
The heavy lifting is yet to come what with the final weeks of the semester left to play out. I feel ready though.
Strong.
Just need... a minute... to stretch first...
No comments:
Post a Comment